Day 41 - Wed 20/01/10

Listening to music again and I know that I shouldn't as I listen to the words and...

I hope you are all doing okay out there, you are all in my prayers too!

Nearly all packed and ready to go and looking forward to being Cancer Free - I hope!!

I am scared now and cant seem to shake it

Be scared and fearful
Be loving and caring
Sitting in my room
I feel alone with God
He tells me it is okay to be scared
He tells me that it is okay for me to cry
So I am and I do


Spoke with Jamie H who gave me some good tips as he had the same surgery several months ago....Lyn, Mike, Colin and Chris came round yesterday and prayed with me and for me....Mum, Jane and Paul came round today and made me laugh when I was tryng hard not to...had some lovely flowers from work today which was all the nicer as they were addressed to Fran and I..

Off to see Third Space tonight for prayer and then off to Chesterfield Hospital for 4pm tomorrow.

Dont want to ramble as my head is not straight so will end the Blog for now and will update you all when I get home in a couple of weeks...

Peace, Love, Harmony and Less Pain to all.

T xx

Day 39 - Mon 18/01/10

Hello Blog,

I'd like to say I am a little more positive today - I have been keeping busy filling out Critical Illness and Sickness claim forms which are not too bad as the companies seem to keep them as simple as possible which is good. They then do a lot of the digging for info...

I am also packing my bag for Thursday and getting well prepared as I remember what I used to be like when flying on holiday or business - sitting in a chair with a catatonic look on my face!

As usual the good wishes are keeping me afloat, I also have Minister Lyn and Mike coming round tomorrow so busy making biscuits. Also Capt Alan from Church on the Bus called for a chat and to see how I was getting on - he said I would be okay as God has not finished with me yet...what with CoTB and the Dog Collar that is sitting on my office shelf with the words 'Is this for me?' written on it, I have some things to continue to contemplate and pray on!

Strange dream alert... If you can find a meaning in this one I would be most interested:

I was standing in a hotel lift with a waitress and I was in my underpants. I dont think I was actually staying there as I was trying to persuade her to get me a pint of beer. After two attempts at giving her false room details she said if I was that desperate she would get me a pint! Still got the 4 tins of Guinness in the fridge.

---------------------------

I also got a call on Sunday morning from one of my best mates who lives in New Zealand. Steve called and we missed the call first time, he left a message saying that if I was ringing about our mate Jaime (who was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer last year Christmas 2008) then he had already spoken to another friend of ours who had filled him in. He called back about 30 mins later and I had to tell him it was also about me...

I am starting to get headaches and my stomach is a little sicky, I believe this is down to the length of time I have been taking laxatives and Ibruprofen and will mention this when I go in on Thursday.

Feeling quite angry today so need to get to bed early and try to sleep...

Even though I am angry and apprehensive I am looking forward to having this tumour removed as it is quite literally a pain in the arse!!

Cheers

T xx

Day 35

I am off to the pub for a pint - had enough of being positive and happy, I need a pint of Guinness and then onwards with the battle.

Day 35 - Thu 14/01/10

Hello,

I had my pre-op visit to the hospital today. I must say I was suitably impressed as saw 4 different nurses each one getting more and more detailed and me getting more and more anxious...

1) Blood Pressure, Weight and Height
2) ECG - it wouldn't capture the details so they had to change the machine and pads and then resorted to shaving my chest hairs.
3) Snr Staff Nurse - took some blood, filled in some questions etc and gave me the green light.

4) This was the one I didn't like....not the Nurse as she was a lovely, caring and straight talking individual. It was the one that brought it home just what is going to happen. Nurse Smith is the Colorectal Specialist Nurse who explained the procedure in detail:

I am to have a Low Anterior Resection and in all probability an Ileostomy - This is where they bypass your small intestine through a hole in your right side and connect it up to a little bag.

They are to remove the lower large intestine section on a sort of u-bend and rejoin it. The 'little bag' will give it time to heal.

They will also remove the surrounding fatty tissue and investigate the lymph nodes to see if they are cancerous. If they are they will decide the next steps which will probably include Chemo as previously stated.

One good thing is that as a Cancer patient I get free prescriptions...every cloud ay!

I should be in hospital for 8-10 days all being well.

I have had some great support which really does help I dont like mentioning names particularly as all are special but Lyn, Wendy and Anthony have sent some great supporting emails and Debbie G you should come and visit and taste the difference between Happy Shopper and Macvities Chocolate Digestives and then lets see what you say... :-)

Anthony has spoken to his Mum in Ireland who has sent over some blessed Rose petals which she got in Cascia, they are kept in an urn beside the remains of Saint Rita. Saint Rita's prayers are devoted to the Sick"

Both Wendy and Lyn have told me it is alright to disagree with the man upstairs - so I will pick my words as can do without the bolt of lightening...

Bye for now.

Tony

Day 32 - Mon 11/01/10

Just looked at Wendy's comment - my strong belief in God had me in a bit of a turmoil as to what to do. I had previously accepted God's will and taken great comfort from it, however whilst my belief stood strong I started to question God in my Prayers and was concerned that this would anger the man upstairs!

God has the power to:

1) Cure me immediately of the Cancer and take away my pain, you see it happening as a miracle cure.

2) Cure me over time, putting me through the necessary trials and assisting the doctors to make the right and timely diagnosis/decisions

3) Have the Cancer end my life

There appears to be a 4th option that I can wrestle with God. I will be up front and respect his decision for 1) and 2) but WILL NOT accept 3) as an option, I have so much more to do on His Earth and in His name.

Sorry to those that are not believers and if you think I have freaked out and being over dramatic then maybe I have and maybe I am, Cancer does that to you!

I think a few days silence will assist me :-)

Hospital appointment on Thursday to check stuff prior to next week, also popped up to see Karen & Langy two of my friends from Church On The Bus. They live in a bus in Matlock and have nearly run out of water and logs so we are going to get that sorted tomorrow. I did suggest they thaw some of the tons of snow around but that upsets the dogs tummy, maybe that bit too cold!

Amen