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Sunday, 13 February 2011

Day 430 - Take this cup from me?

To whomever is listening out there...

I am struggling a bit at the moment....In the main I can handle what ever the treatment throws at me, I can handle the side effects however I can't handle the anger that I feel....I can't handle that I may die from what is inside me...

I pray and wonder why God sometimes answers prayers and sometimes he doesn't. What is there that I need to do... Is there someone out there who deserves to have his prayers answered more than I do, Is there a more worthy person than I....

Then I remembered a Rob Bell video...I have watched this a number of times and have started to walk through the anger...part of me wants to hand back the cup and say this is not for me, take it away and put me on a different path and the other part of me wants to accept what has been given to me, what is clearly for me and it is my path wherever it shall lead me!



BUT...What if I take a combination of both paths - I take the path that I am on as I am already on this journey, I continue to learn from it as I have learnt so much already... however I pray that the ending is not set and that I have a long and fruitful future...that is what I am about from here forwards!

This reminds me also of something Minister Lyn said to me and apologies if I don't have this completely right..she said that I am allowed to question the path I may have been given, that god has broad shoulders....I will continue to pray that my path is long...

There, that is better...

I will update next week after my chemo as to what has been happening lately other than me being angry with the world, with God and the universe, angry also with myself for abusing my body for all those years and being overweight and angry at myself for waiting over a year with the symptoms...what I need to make clear is that I am NOT angry with Fran, NOT her fault, so I shall discontinue NOW taking my anger out on her...Sorry!

Tony xxx

9 comments:

  1. Tony you have every right to be angry. Brian is. We have been told he has months (6 at the most)and it is devastating. Like you he is being very brave he is really poorly. The cancer has spread further in his stomach and lympglands. No more treatment suitable. We feel for the two of you as you have to be in our situations to know what impact it has. My only consolation is that there must be a reason. Prayers, love and thoughts go out to the two of you. Love one another and keep strong.
    Love Ann xx

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  2. I wish we could take this load youve been given away !!!!but all we can do is listen n send prayers n love for you , it is the most normal thing to be angry and it makes you find a way through as anger is sooo tiring question ,question and hopefully find a way to cope??lots of love to you all ma n pa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  3. Hello Tony, tomorrow is Valentines day.... thank God we have known true love... i thank God for my lovely husband each and every day, this year will be hard but i truly believe we will meet again in another time another place so i take each day as a bonus extra day, xxx Debbie (kentmum)

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  4. Ann, I am truly sorry, Brian is a great chap...I always remember how he used to wait for you every night when we were on lates. Outside the callcentre in Watford...you always joked what would be on his mind if he had had a bath and a shave...I used to go out and stroke his chin to check...what laughs....I still have the first car that I ever had after I passed my test was from you and Brian...do you remember the toy fiat with a number 67 on that you gave me...always on my shelf in my office...reminds me of both you and Brian!

    Much Love

    T xx

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  5. Debbie,

    Yes thank God that we know true love and I don't thank God enough..and yes you will meet again.

    I will be thinking of you so please keep in touch as best you can,

    Much Love

    T xx

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  6. Hi, Tony. I admire your heart's desire to trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own understanding. I left you a message on my own blog, since that allowed me to include a video clip as well. You have my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

    Much love (especially since this is the first time I have actually left a comment on your blog :-)),

    Steve xx

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  7. Tony, anger is only right. Don't try to hold it all in...you can't. But channel your anger and turn it in to a positive. You know you can do it. And don't regret anything you have done in life. Regardless of what you have done in the past there is little evidence to say it has bought you to where things are at today. But, you are here, you are still the Tony we all know and love and you have the support of so many that care about you. Don't lose sight of that mate.Whether near or far we are all here for you.

    Big manly hugs mate,

    Phil

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  8. Tony,
    I found you on Steve's blog. My heart goes out to you and your family. I want you to know that I know that God hears and answers ALL our prayers. Sometimes that answer doesn't come exactly when or how we want it answered, but He is ever present, watching over you and me. He loves us and only wants what is best for us. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, but I know that we all have our struggles and challenges and that through these, God teaches us and makes us stronger. I pray that you will feel His loving hand in your life, and know that He is near. Best Wishes for a quick recovery.
    Carol

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  9. WISH I COULD TAKE AWAY SOME OF YOUR ANGER AND PAIN LOVE YOU SO MUCH BIG BRO ALWAYS HERE TO HOLD YA HAND MY SPECIAL BUDDY XX ALL MY LOVE LITTLE SIS XX

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