Day 472 - Pain

Hello All,

Sorry I have not been around - I have been working on controlling the pain I have. I must add that I haven't been very successful and have just worked out why.

Up until last week I have been trying to deal with it on my own as didn't want to admit that yet another 'thing' needed medical help...I was wrong and am suffering more than I needed to for my stubbornness.

At the site of the original tumour I have a lot of scar tissue and cancer hotspots...as no tumours showed up on the scan it is believed that the Avastin is attacking the scar tissue and any rogue cancer cells, which is ultimately good. The pain of the intense activity is incredible...and with the medication etc the constipation adds to the pressure....so last week I went to the GP surgery...

I had been self medicating on Ibuprofen and Codeine which hit the spot for 3 hours of the 6 hour cycle. My GP noted that we needed to get a more consistent and level reaction to the medication so prescribed Tramadol x1 (24hr) tablet. This worked for 6.5 hours so the following night I tried x2, which lasted for 18hrs and finally the maximum dose of x3 which lasted for 19 hrs. Each of the doses have been topped up with codeine....so back to the drawing board.

I spoke with my Macmillan nurse via eMail who is going to put me in contact with the local palliative nurses who can carry out a full pain assessment and liaise with my GP surgery also....we will get this sorted.

I feel so guilty as I have been praying so much more since I have been in pain, but I suppose God expects that.

I am very tired and had to work from my bed last week as I could not sit for long...I have things in place to take a sabbatical from work for 3 months which starts in a week...It makes sense that as my body is recovering on week 3 so well from the chemo that the chemo and avastin continues indefinitely...however it makes no sense that if I was to continue in the same way as I have been that I would become too ill to continue with my treatment...

Parents visited last week, I made pan fried sea bass and Fran did some salad and dessert..it was great to see them both also good to hear my Dad's news that he doesn't have something more sinister in his lung/s however he does have Emphysema which is bad enough...more investigations to come. We always laugh a lot when they visit which is good...wish we could see them more.

So looking forwards to next week, Irinotecan No8 and Avastin No5....Pain relief at last...

Catherine not very happy as lost her dream house - I feel sad for her and Mark however it was not meant to be and something better wil come along when the time is right. Charlotte doing well in exam year, I went to her open evening a couple of weeks ago and she is doing good and just needs a final push to get the grades she needs to get a college place.

Me with my Happy Face!

God Bless and Much Love to all.

Tony xxx

RIP Brian - 10th March 2011

RIP Brian who passed away peacefully yesterday 10th March 2011 at 06:40...

An old friend of mine who I worked with for many years Ann, her husband Brian who used to meet her from work most nights and brought me my first car after I passed my driving test....14.02.95

He will be missed by many x

T

Great news...

Liver tumour reduced from 2.6cm to 2.1cm down by 19%, Para-Aortic Lymph nodes no change, slight mark on my lung that could be anything and Dr F said they are not concerned about, so I am not either...

It is Irinotecan No7, Avastin No4 tomorrow and things are beginning to wear me down a little, nothing to worry your heads about, just a little extra pain and fatigue and not unexpected - there are a few changes needed in my life that I will share with you in due course.

I went to see Minister Lyn tonight at her evening surgery, we had a good chat, it is amazing how many of my actions are guided by the Rocky film...the night before a fight he always went to his minister for a blessing...I didn't intend to go but saw a sign, literally, that told me the surgery was on tonight so off I went and it was well needed...

I will end this blog tonight on a note that will surprise some of you as it is not about me, me, me :-) ...there are a few people out there that need your prayers and positive thoughts...

My Dad had a scan a few days ago and is getting his results on Friday and a very good friend of mine Cait, her sister had recent bowel surgery and is having a tough time (sorry I haven't got Cait's sisters name however I am sure the Man upstairs knows who we mean when we pray)

Much Love

T xx

Birthdays aint so bad...

CT Scan okay as CT scans go...results in a couple of weeks and until then no news is good news....'Don't borrow trouble until trouble comes' is my motto!

Had a great Birthday today 01.Mar, I thanked the Lord for a beautiful day, for family and friends who wished me a Happy Birthday. Catherine my eldest daughter came up with my two beautiful grandaughters from Newbury, just for a couple of hours for some lunch - meant loads and got a rather expensive bottle of Olive Oil. My youngest daughter Charlotte brought me a rather expensive PC game, a new and updated version of a game we used to play years ago. I mentioned expensive not because I know they care more because they cost more just because I know they thought a lot about what I may like.

Minister Lyn popped round with a card and I went for a quick spin on my bike to show off to Catherine and the girls....I pulled a great wheelie quite by mistake but apparently it was a good one! On my bike travels I tooted outside Chris and Colin's house and they both came out with a card and big smiles...

Fran, well what can I say..... Breakfast in bed, and a bottle of Jaipur, alongside a great bottle of wine and dinner for two at Stones and some money for some Kevlar Jeans for casual bike wear..We also went to Chatsworth Farm shop to buy pies for dinner....had a bath before dinner and my bottle of Jaipur 'just the one'. Pie and Mash for dinner and had to blow the candles out again on my cake and of course eat another piece!

Later in the evening the Kenyons arrived with a spooky surprise...two pies from the Chatsworth Farm shop that I had looked at and were going to buy at a later date...what a present :-)

Spoke with me Ma and chatted about my day... received a photo of the family a while back....good memories.

and finally just checked Facebook, there were over 100 birthday messages...

Sitting here having quiet time at 30 mins past my birthday I am reflecting on the day... I had a thought that all the special presents, the attention, the cards and the messages were so numerous and expressive of love and caring, that all this was because I am ill and I have cancer....then I remembered last year and all the birthdays that Fran has worked so hard at that I have never fully appreciated - I haven't ever really enjoyed birthdays like I should have, therefore I have never really noticed and fully appreciated the special presents, the attention, the cards and the messages that were numerous and expressive of love and caring. This birthday is the same as all the others, I just have had my eyes closed and my senses dulled.

Well a revelation, Birthdays really are cool... I choose not to have cancer but it has taught me many things one of which is Birthdays Aint So Bad :-)

Much Love and thanks...especially to you Fran xxx

Tony xx

p.s. Here's to next year!