Thursday, 29 April 2010

Day 140 Thur 29/04/10

Dear blog,

Been a good and a bad day all rolled into one!

Started off with a late breakfast - Fran sent me some details of a course she is going on relating to Cancer and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) - One of the tutors suffered from breast cancer and had written an account of her journey....

I called Fran (she is at work for a couple of days in Bakewell) to chat about the article and burst into tears, sobbing and couldn't speak just for a minute. It gets me like that when I just read something or listen to certain music...poor Fran must have felt miles a way as I am sure she just wanted to reach out and give me a hug as much as I wanted just that!

A drive to Weston Pk for my 14/25 Radiotherapy appointment...They are getting slicker and slicker as the lining up of the lasers on the spots are becoming easier...they take less time to move me into position, some by moving the bed and some by giving me a slight twist or push in a certain direction. The room is emptied and the radiographers shut the door - I feel alone with the whirring as the machine moves round from underneath, to my left, from the top and to my right....

All over then after a blood test I am on my way home - I am only in there for 10-15 mins...

On the way home I stop in to see Fran at Bakewell - we do an impromptu EFT session which uncovers some interesting points which will be tackled tomorrow.

I am still having problems breathing with shortness of breath so worked on that too whilst waiting at the hospital using EFT to relax me and work on my breathing, clearing the crap in my chest.

I also stopped off and got back in the car as my bloody bag leaked so after picking Charlotte up from school went straight home to shower and change my colonstomy bag! Not sure If I have shared that I have a colonstomy bag before, if you didn't already know, now you do! For good reason it took the best part of two hours before I was back on my feet again....stanley the stoma did not stop so I couldn't attach a new bag..then when he did stop the skin around was very sore so I cleaned it all up of the sticky tape residue and left it to air. I put on a new bag only to have to take it off twice as it did not attach right. I am exhausted and need food, Charlotte and I had tea and I rested for the remainder of the evening.

I must admit that whilst I cant wait to get back to work I have not been taking the best care of myself - I am not sleeping and haven't for weeks, I have not been eating the right foods and even tried red wine/whisky, stupid, stupid...

It has been a struggle so far and for good reason however if I have the 60% chance of that shite Cancer returning I need to be in the best shape possible. I cant walk far but will start trying to extend over a period of time and will take more rest.

Time for bed as a busy day tomorrow....I have an appt with the stoma team in the morning and my next radiotherapy treatment then over to see my personal therapist for an EFT session...oh the thing that we discovered is that I want Chemo, whatever the small % difference it makes, I want my hair to fall out and the pain it brings just so I know I am doing all I can...However what we also uncovered is that if I dont have the Chemo for the 6-10% difference it will make, I will not have the bad sickness etc which will enable me to have more prayer and EFT and get in a better state of body and mind to tackle the Cancer when it returns...

Church at the bandstand on Sunday last and at Dale Rd next Sunday lifted and will lift my spirits. My prayers whilst walking slowly round the field argued a point with God. If my path includes death at the end of all this then the path must be changed - I have heard it said that God is big enough and can take my prayers, his shoulders are broad - I just look out for the bolt of lightening when I am walking and praying!

Much love and blessings

T xx


  1. tony...used to live in sheffield and caught your blog by accident.....

    good writing matey

  2. Hi John, Thanks good to have you reading...


  3. Still trying to post a comment. Isobel

  4. Hi Tone you will have days like this but for every bad day u will have 20 good days!!!!its prob good to get rid of all the sad n negative feelings its natures way of clearing the mind not very nice to go through but hopefully wont happen too often !!keep as strong as poss , get as fit as u can it will help u feel more in control , loads of love to you and the girls luv mum xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx keep u chin up xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. hey our tony i must have hay fever !!??me eyes are dripping and my nose is running!!
    wish i could help in some way !i dont sleep well and drive paul nuts because the lack of sleep see my moods go up and down!!
    you have our unconditional love and prayers i do hope that just knowing this is some comfort to you xxbetter go as the eyes are really dripping and the nose is running!!but with each drip i have a slight smile i always seem to think of a daft thing we did as kids and there are so many of them !!keep ya chin up love ya loads xxlittle sis xxx

  6. Hi Tony, Just read your blog and thought it was about time I tried to post a comment. You keep appearing on my desktop so the polite thing is to say Hi to you too. Hope we see you tomorrow for the pub lunch (we are missing out on the walk too). Keep up the walking and praying. When I was in a similar place and having a moan at God, I felt I was being true to myself and God knows how we feel anyway. No point hiding it. It's good to know we have a constant companion that we can chat (or moan) to about the way we feel.
    LOL Barbara X

  7. Tony, just read your last blog mate. You are my hero mate. Keep going you are doing so well mate. A bit like the Grand Old Duke of York's men you are neither up nor down that damned hill at the moment. But once you get to the top everything will be a lot clearer. Keep marching on my friend. Big hugs big buddy :-)


    PS - If I go AWOL for a couple of weeks it is because Cathy has had the baby. T minus 7 days to go!!!