Thursday, 20 January 2011

Day 406 - What was I doing at this time last year?

Just looking at the date earlier and talking about Burns night and had a flicker of a memory!

This time last year I was preparing for surgery to have my tumour removed. I went out to the pub with the Third-Space crowd for a Burns night celebration and watched them eat the Haggis and drink the Whisky whilst I sipped my fizzy water.

I remember feeling terrified and reading my blog over again just now I saw the level of people surrounding me that day and for the few days before.

Not great memories of what was to come but great memories of family, friends and amazing fellowship. I wrote poetry earlier in the day which summed up my feelings and the fears I had...

I am scared now and cant seem to shake it

Be scared and fearful 
Be loving and caring
Sitting in my room 
I feel alone with God
He tells me it is okay to be scared
He tells me that it is okay for me to cry
So I am and I do

A discovery about myself - I met with an astrologer yesterday and during our chat I determined that my fear experienced all those months ago was no more. 

I am not scared and am comfortable with that...I wasn't before as thought that I should be full of woe and felt it a bit weird but a recent visit to the Ashgate and some prayer (actually quite alot of prayer) at Third-Space, at Tansley Methodist during a healing service, at the bandstand, at the rare occasion I seem to get to Matlock Moor and at home, I am devoid of fear as I am aware there is a plan and a path I am to follow.

One other thing... I am aware that my 'traditional' care team are doing all they can and have the greatest respect for their knowledge but also aware that there are other ways out there. I am not accepting the inoperable tag and the eventual terminal nature of my illness. Just because the medical profession believe 'they' cant heal what I have it doesn't mean it can't be healed...

God Bless all and a safe journey to all the Third-Space crew off to Blubberhouses for a weekend away of spiritual enlightenment...Fran, Charlotte and I were supposed to be away too but not really up to internal workings seem to be all over the place, my chest and breathing is mildly erratic and don't want to risk being too far away from home...they will all be missed and in our thoughts and prayers.

T xx


  1. hey tone , we came to visit you(jane,paul &i)do u remember it was so cool i had lost my voice(stress not germs)and so couldnt speak only squeak ?? you sound so calm , there ARE things that can be done!!only today i read of a young lady the cancer had spread to her liver n lungs they shrunk the tumours n gave her a liver transplant !!check up on the mistletoe therapy at bristol university also very interesting they need recruits for a study ??i am always looking for new ideas !!lots luv ma n pa xxxxxx

  2. You are my support as iam for you big bro !!!have the sledging date still to do!!we will get there !!love you way much !!!love to the northern clan !!from little sis and the hallways !!xxx be up end of feb for a brew!!xxxx p.s sam the ginger one has dyed his hair black !!looks cool with orange eyebrows !!!xx

  3. Hi Tony,

    I also agree that there are other things that can be done - it's doesn't all have to be 'conventional' treatment and I'm not accepting the 'inoperable' tag for you either.
    There are also *other* ways to make a difference, as you know.

    You've come so far from the post you linked to above :-)

    I read a book recently and one thing stuck out for me. It was about not 'fighting' the cancer but instead accepting it as being a part of you, no wars to 'win', no battles to 'fight' - just simple acceptance then move onto healing your body via the immune system.
    Makes perfect sense to me the more I think about it.
    Always your friend (((hugs))) xxx