Day 41 - Wed 20/01/10

Listening to music again and I know that I shouldn't as I listen to the words and...

I hope you are all doing okay out there, you are all in my prayers too!

Nearly all packed and ready to go and looking forward to being Cancer Free - I hope!!

I am scared now and cant seem to shake it

Be scared and fearful
Be loving and caring
Sitting in my room
I feel alone with God
He tells me it is okay to be scared
He tells me that it is okay for me to cry
So I am and I do


Spoke with Jamie H who gave me some good tips as he had the same surgery several months ago....Lyn, Mike, Colin and Chris came round yesterday and prayed with me and for me....Mum, Jane and Paul came round today and made me laugh when I was tryng hard not to...had some lovely flowers from work today which was all the nicer as they were addressed to Fran and I..

Off to see Third Space tonight for prayer and then off to Chesterfield Hospital for 4pm tomorrow.

Dont want to ramble as my head is not straight so will end the Blog for now and will update you all when I get home in a couple of weeks...

Peace, Love, Harmony and Less Pain to all.

T xx

Day 39 - Mon 18/01/10

Hello Blog,

I'd like to say I am a little more positive today - I have been keeping busy filling out Critical Illness and Sickness claim forms which are not too bad as the companies seem to keep them as simple as possible which is good. They then do a lot of the digging for info...

I am also packing my bag for Thursday and getting well prepared as I remember what I used to be like when flying on holiday or business - sitting in a chair with a catatonic look on my face!

As usual the good wishes are keeping me afloat, I also have Minister Lyn and Mike coming round tomorrow so busy making biscuits. Also Capt Alan from Church on the Bus called for a chat and to see how I was getting on - he said I would be okay as God has not finished with me yet...what with CoTB and the Dog Collar that is sitting on my office shelf with the words 'Is this for me?' written on it, I have some things to continue to contemplate and pray on!

Strange dream alert... If you can find a meaning in this one I would be most interested:

I was standing in a hotel lift with a waitress and I was in my underpants. I dont think I was actually staying there as I was trying to persuade her to get me a pint of beer. After two attempts at giving her false room details she said if I was that desperate she would get me a pint! Still got the 4 tins of Guinness in the fridge.

---------------------------

I also got a call on Sunday morning from one of my best mates who lives in New Zealand. Steve called and we missed the call first time, he left a message saying that if I was ringing about our mate Jaime (who was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer last year Christmas 2008) then he had already spoken to another friend of ours who had filled him in. He called back about 30 mins later and I had to tell him it was also about me...

I am starting to get headaches and my stomach is a little sicky, I believe this is down to the length of time I have been taking laxatives and Ibruprofen and will mention this when I go in on Thursday.

Feeling quite angry today so need to get to bed early and try to sleep...

Even though I am angry and apprehensive I am looking forward to having this tumour removed as it is quite literally a pain in the arse!!

Cheers

T xx

Day 35

I am off to the pub for a pint - had enough of being positive and happy, I need a pint of Guinness and then onwards with the battle.

Day 35 - Thu 14/01/10

Hello,

I had my pre-op visit to the hospital today. I must say I was suitably impressed as saw 4 different nurses each one getting more and more detailed and me getting more and more anxious...

1) Blood Pressure, Weight and Height
2) ECG - it wouldn't capture the details so they had to change the machine and pads and then resorted to shaving my chest hairs.
3) Snr Staff Nurse - took some blood, filled in some questions etc and gave me the green light.

4) This was the one I didn't like....not the Nurse as she was a lovely, caring and straight talking individual. It was the one that brought it home just what is going to happen. Nurse Smith is the Colorectal Specialist Nurse who explained the procedure in detail:

I am to have a Low Anterior Resection and in all probability an Ileostomy - This is where they bypass your small intestine through a hole in your right side and connect it up to a little bag.

They are to remove the lower large intestine section on a sort of u-bend and rejoin it. The 'little bag' will give it time to heal.

They will also remove the surrounding fatty tissue and investigate the lymph nodes to see if they are cancerous. If they are they will decide the next steps which will probably include Chemo as previously stated.

One good thing is that as a Cancer patient I get free prescriptions...every cloud ay!

I should be in hospital for 8-10 days all being well.

I have had some great support which really does help I dont like mentioning names particularly as all are special but Lyn, Wendy and Anthony have sent some great supporting emails and Debbie G you should come and visit and taste the difference between Happy Shopper and Macvities Chocolate Digestives and then lets see what you say... :-)

Anthony has spoken to his Mum in Ireland who has sent over some blessed Rose petals which she got in Cascia, they are kept in an urn beside the remains of Saint Rita. Saint Rita's prayers are devoted to the Sick"

Both Wendy and Lyn have told me it is alright to disagree with the man upstairs - so I will pick my words as can do without the bolt of lightening...

Bye for now.

Tony

Day 32 - Mon 11/01/10

Just looked at Wendy's comment - my strong belief in God had me in a bit of a turmoil as to what to do. I had previously accepted God's will and taken great comfort from it, however whilst my belief stood strong I started to question God in my Prayers and was concerned that this would anger the man upstairs!

God has the power to:

1) Cure me immediately of the Cancer and take away my pain, you see it happening as a miracle cure.

2) Cure me over time, putting me through the necessary trials and assisting the doctors to make the right and timely diagnosis/decisions

3) Have the Cancer end my life

There appears to be a 4th option that I can wrestle with God. I will be up front and respect his decision for 1) and 2) but WILL NOT accept 3) as an option, I have so much more to do on His Earth and in His name.

Sorry to those that are not believers and if you think I have freaked out and being over dramatic then maybe I have and maybe I am, Cancer does that to you!

I think a few days silence will assist me :-)

Hospital appointment on Thursday to check stuff prior to next week, also popped up to see Karen & Langy two of my friends from Church On The Bus. They live in a bus in Matlock and have nearly run out of water and logs so we are going to get that sorted tomorrow. I did suggest they thaw some of the tons of snow around but that upsets the dogs tummy, maybe that bit too cold!

Amen

Day 31 - Sun 10/01/10

Been a bit quiet lately as not much happening apart from the same old get up, pain, take pills, no pain, eat etc....

Anyways today was a good day...Matlock Moor was cancelled again because of the snow and cold so Fran and I decided to go an meet the 'Third Space Massive' down at Hall Leys Park (in the bandstand) - It sorted of reminded me oh so vaguely of Feltham Park and hanging out with the bunch of skinheads...

Graydon and Barbara took the service which was cool - Grayden's musings on who the 3 wisemen were and where they had travelled from had me convinced. The Star and the focus during prayer was very moving.

After prayer we all went to Costa Coffee which had a bit of a crisis as their coffee machine was broken (gasp) so we all went down the road to Wetherspoons. We spoke about many things but the discussion about the Darwin Awards got the best laugh - really set me up for the day this did!

Picked Charlotte from Bakewell then went home for lunch and rest.

I am really not feeling too good today after all the good feeling in the morning...I think I am coming down with something (apart from the obvious) - I just hope I can clear it before the 22/22 January. I have a sore throat which I could really do without so am off for a bath.

Earlier at the group discussion we passed around peoples names that we should pray for with a brief discussion on what/why - It really makes you realise how lucky you are when you listen to others troubles and I am a firm believer of keeping your eyes firmly pointing forward when something unsavoury comes on the tele so you can see what others are suffering.

I could wallow in self pity at my/our situation and dont get me wrong sometimes I do have a little wallowing - however when you read on the Cancer Research website about others troubles like people having a diagnosis and death with 24hrs, others which bring a tear to your eye because they just cant cope...then you cant help but stand strong, pray for others and say a prayer for yourself while you are at it.

Believe me when I say I am fighting this Cancer and struggle with accepting God's will in contrast to wrestling with him until daylight - Genesis 32: 22-32 (Thanks Wend for pointing out x) If you have a Bible have a read and pray for my strength in the battles ahead.

Didn't think I had much to write tonight but went on a bit of a mission.

Good Night.

T x

Day 27 - Wed 06/01/10

Stayed in bed until gone 10 today...

Chris and Colin popped round for an update and a cuppa, always always a pleasure to see them and talk about me :-)

Went out for an hour tonight to meet with the 'Third Space' family. It was good to see them and a potential new member Chris. Had a couple of pints (of orange juice and lemonade) and Dr Paul gave Mr Simms a glowing reference which put my mind at ease. I got a good vibe from him when we met on Monday and that has been confirmed.

I am sitting waiting for the pain to subside, it is really quite unusual almost a dull ache and a sharp pain at the same time...it hurts and I am not good with pain, the oreos and tea are not helping anymore....roll on 21Jan afterwhich I will hopefully get a full nights sleep and less pain.

I am thankful for the support - thanks for the emails etc everyone is behind, infront and beside me in this - I do not feel alone although in the middle of the night it can be quite lonely..time to think ay.

I don't know if I mentioned it but having strange dreams...one the other night with an unnerving person who quite calmly told me he wanted to fight me and asked me to go outside...I told him I would not for two reasons 1) He was obviously quite good as he had a nice black suit on, clean white shirt and perfect white teeth and 2) true to form in dreams I can't remember what the 2nd one was.I have my own thoughts on who he is! Funny aye?!

Then another one last night included Lyn and Mike (my minister and her husband) In my dream Mike was standing straight and true and I made them a cheese pie (the hairy bikers had one on the tele).

God bless.

T x

Day 26 - Tue 05/01/10

Snowed a lot today.

No appetite at all today and even though I had told myself previously that I was going to eat and keep my strength up, I didn't eat until about 4pm...I know, I know...I will have to watch that more closely.

Collected my sick note for another month.

Richard my boss called, I had sent him an update and he forwarded it on to the team etc. I got some really great responses which definately help.

Another thing happened that Richard called me about and something I hadn't even considered...my company pays sick benefit of 4-5 weeks then you have the statutory sick pay of approx £70 per week - the rest you have to jump through hoops and go through additional pressures/stress at a time when you don't need it to get the government assistance.

All I can say is I don't have to be concerned as my brilliant Snr Management and HR team have told me they do not want me to worry, thanks to Richard for the efforts and words.

I told Fran and we both blubbed on the phone, but for a change they were tears born out of relief and not sadness.

All,keep those prayers coming as they really do work...

Amen.

T x

Day 25 - Mon 04/01/2010

Good News - I think!

I have my surgery booked for 21 Jan where they will remove the offending piece and assess the stage - I may also need a temporary colonstomy. I went from talking to Fran about 'what if' I am given 6-24months to live to having a reasonable outcome...

The CT shows that the Cancer has not spread to my liver or lungs which it can sometimes do however they have noted that my lymph nodes are enlarged so will check those out when they operate.

If it has spread to my Lymph nodes then I will need Chemo however the good news,if it hasn't and they are enlarged for other reasons I may not need Chemo!

The surgeon Mr Simms is away next week hence the delay in having the surgery - I am noting that whilst it is classed as urgent, if they were bothered by the delay then surely another surgeon would be appointed.

I am a little more upbeat than I was yesterday as we cling on to any positive news, as well we should.

I asked about pain relief and was told that for the time being I should continue what I am doing, so Ibruprofen, Prayer and EFT is the way forward.

I was even told that a little red wine would be fine :o)

Thank-you all for the kind words, prayer and support, it does mean so much and I am sure has contributed and will continue to contribute.

T x

Day 24 - Sun 03/01/2010

No church at Matlock Moor this morning so stayed at home even though there were other options which didn't enter our heads until lunch-time... The tale of our Wednesday group resurrecting Aslan's table at the bandstand and in the snow and ice particularly appealed - shame I missed that one although there will be plenty more opportunities...

I was looking out of my bedroom window at the snow and that was my time to pray this morning.

I was watching tele about 10 mins ago, had turkey soup and a couple of mince pies for tea...I started getting shortness of breath and tight in my chest...I recognised this as panic so time to stick on my iPod and write my blog. Straight away 'Lean on me' by Red Box came on (if you are an 80s person you will remember this hopefully), then 'Losing My Religion' by REM and just listening to Deliver Me by The Beloved a powerful song which sums up my conversations with God and my continuing journey:

Deliver Me out of my sadness
Deliver Me from all of the madness
Deliver Me courage to guide me
Deliver Me strength from inside me

All of my life I was in hiding
wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you are here, now that I have found you
I know that you are the one to pull me through

Deliver Me loving and caring
Deliver Me giving and sharing

All of my life I was in hiding
wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you are here, now that I have found you
I know that you are the one to pull me through

Lets see what tomorrow brings, Charlotte asked questions last night for the first time about the Chemo etc, good conversation and one that I am glad we have had.

Now listening to '18' by Moby a very emotive song, If you get the chance have a listen to this and Deliver Me.. Fran has just brought me in a cup of tea and now I have no more words..

Bye for now

Day 23 - Sat 02/01/2010

Snowed a lot today...

Feel great although sleeping was rubbish last night, up and down like a fiddlers elbow and felt bad on two counts 1) I woke Fran up who offered to make me a cup of tea at 4am and 2) I woke Fran up and don't like feeling bad, I dont want to suffer in silence, I am no good at it!

We went on an adventure to Chesterfield in the snow, stopped at the top of the hill to help a caravan turn round and then went in to M&S to stock up...The voucher from work is proving darn usefull as brought a nice fleece dressing gown, new shorts and some plain tee-shirts for my impending holiday in Chesterfield.

David W rang to say Church is not on at Matlock Moor because of the snow and later Derek B called after finding out that I was unwell. We had a great chat for about 40 mins which ended with Derek promising to bring me a can of G&T to the hospital. He shared his own experiences from cancer from both his own and his wifes perspective which meant alot...he also said he felt bad as he commented that the diet was working and how well I looked for it when we last saw each other at church...we laughed and I did say that the weight loss was voluntary almost certainly down to the diet as I had put on 5lbs over Christmas.

Rested quite a bit this afternoon and played a game on my PC which helps....I had better wrap this up as Fran is cooking Vegetarian Bolognese and I cant be late...I like my meat although believe it better to cut down a lot due to my condition and keep my blood as clean as possible...should have been doing this in normal life and who knows things may have been different.

Decided to send out the link today so people can keep tabs on progress first hand.

T x

Day 22 - Fri 01/01/2010

Happy New Year

Wow last night was tough, I hadn't realised how the doom and gloom had crept up on me..I just wanted to get in bed and sleep. The pain, bleeding, no energy and the vast list of potential scenarios had all mounted up to a huge crescendo...Fran came in with the Bean at midnight so we could have 'Happy New Year' together...I felt so pathetic, weak and out of control...need to deal with it as dont want everyone to be impacted at these early stages when there will be so much more tougher times ahead (or will there!). Maybe this is as bad as it gets mentally, we'll see :-)

Fran and I did a short EFT session this morning which helped alot in clearing away most of the negative thoughts...I also checked on the Cancer Research site and found this quote!

Dont try and deal with things that havent happened yet. Dont borrow trouble till it comes. I know its easy to say but hard to do. Worrying about things to come spoils quality time with your dad. Cancer is such a cruel disease, it not only affects our bodies it affects so many other aspects of our lives. It can make a sunny day gloomy and it spoils lots of things! So for the moment dont let it, Tell it to get lost and try not to let worrying about the future spoil the present...

Let's have it!!!!

T x